


All Female "Radio" Version Of Doctor Horrible

by Adarian



Category: Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-27
Updated: 2015-07-27
Packaged: 2018-04-11 14:07:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,050
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4438376
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Adarian/pseuds/Adarian
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>So years ago, I wanted to sing as Captain Hammer, so for fun adapted "Doctor Horrible's Sing-A-Long Blog" to be played entirely by women, but also got rid of most of the ableist language. The result made me set it in early 2010s Toronto...all because I wanted to make a Bloq joke...anyways. This is almost a word for word version of the original script. Just letting you know.</p>
            </blockquote>





	All Female "Radio" Version Of Doctor Horrible

Dr. Horrible's Sing A Long Podcast

Adapted from the work DR. HORRIBLE’S SING-ALONG BLOG By Joss Whedon, Jed Whedon, Zack Whedon & Maurissa Tancharoen

 

**ACT I**

_Scene One_

DR. HORRIBLE  
Ah hahahaha. Ah ha haaaa. A haaaa.  
So that’s you know... coming along. I’m working with a  
vocal coach. Strengthening the “ahhaa”. A lot of folks  
ignore the laugh and that’s about standards. I mean, if  
you’re going to get into the Evil League of Evil you  
HAVE to have a memorable laugh. I mean do you think Bad  
Horse didn’t work on her whinny? Her terrible...  
Death... whinny.

No response, BTW from the League yet but my application  
is strong this year. A letter of condemnation from the  
deputy mayor. That’s gotta have some weight, so,  
fingers crossed.

EMAILS! 2sly4you writes: “hey genius” wow. Sarcasm.  
That’s ORIGINAL. “Where are the gold bars you were  
supposed to pull out of that bank vault with your  
trans-matter ray? Obviously it failed or it would be in  
the papers.”

Well no, they're not going to say anything in the Star.  
But, I did it! The molecules tend to shift in the trans-matter...um... event, but, they were transported IN BAR FORM and they clearly were... even if they are in liquid form and now smell like cumin (and by the way it’s not about  
making money. It’s about TAKING money. Destroying the  
status-quo because the “status” is NOT “quo”. The world  
is a mess and I just need to RULE it.) 

So, Trans-matter is 75% AND more importantly the  
Freeze-Ray is almost up. This is the one. Stops time.  
Freeze-ray. Tell your friends.

We have... OH! Here’s one from our good friend Janey  
Snow. “Dr. Horrible. I see you are once again afraid to  
do battle with your nemesis. I waited at Queen's Park  
for 45 minutes.”

Ok, DUDE you’re NOT my nemesis. My nemesis is Captain  
Hammer. Captain Hammer, Corporate TOOL. She dislocated  
my shoulder... Again... last week.

LOOK! I’m just trying to change the world, OK? I don’t  
have time for a grudge match with every poser in a  
parka. Besides, there’s kids in that park, so...

Here’s one from DeadNotSleeping. “Long time watcher,  
first time writing.” Blah blah blah blah... “You always  
say on your podcast that you will ‘show her the way, show  
her you are a true villain’. Who is ‘her’ and does she  
even know that you’re” ...

DR. HORRIBLE  
Well, let me tell you about what happened earlier today at the Laundromat... It's a Wednesday, so I knew Penny was going to be there. And just, whenever I see her...

LAUNDRY DAY  
SEE YOU THERE  
UNDER THINGS  
TUMBLING  
WANNA SAY  
“LOVE YOUR HAIR”  
HERE I GO  
MUMBLING  
WITH MY FREEZE-RAY I WILL STOP THE WORLD  
WITH MY FREEZE-RAY I WILL FIND THE TIME TO FIND THE  
WORDS TO  
TELL YOU HOW  
HOW YOU MAKE  
MAKE ME FEEL  
WHAT’S THE PHRASE?  
LIKE A FOOL  
KINDA SICK  
[BIG SIGH]  
ANY WAYS  
WITH MY FREEZE-RAY I WILL STOP THE PAIN  
IT’S NOT A DEATH-RAY OR AN ICE-BEAM THAT’S ALL JANEY  
SNOW  
I JUST THINK YOU NEED TIME TO KNOW  
THAT I’M THE GIRL TO MAKE IT REAL  
THE FEELINGS YOU DON’T DARE TO FEEL  
I’LL BEND THE WORLD TO OUR WILL  
AND WE’LL MAKE TIME STAND STILL  
THAT’S THE PLAN  
RULE THE WORLD  
YOU AND ME  
ANYDAY  
Love your hair

PENNY  
What?

DR. HORRIBLE  
No... I... I... I love the air...

ANYWAY  
WITH MY FREEZE RAY I WILL STOP-

[sound of laundry machine cycle and Penny obviously leaving with her things]

DR. HORRIBLE  
So close this time! She even noticed me! I think this is progress. Hold on, there's someone knocking [beat] MOIST! I'm recording right now. What are you doing?

MOIST  
Sorry, but you just got a letter from Bad Horse. I thought you might want it right away!

DR. HORRIBLE  
The League! I can't look at it right now...I'm sure my loyal listeners will want to hear this!

MOIST  
Really? I mean...all right, here you go.

[letter ripping sound] 

"Bad Horse Letter" 

BAD HORSE  
BAD HORSE  
BAD HORSE  
BAD HORSE  
SHE RIDES ACROSS THE NATION  
THE THOROUGHBRED OF SIN  
SHE GOT THE APPLICATION THAT YOU JUST SENT IN  
IT NEEDS EVALUATION, SO LET THE GAMES BEGIN  
A HEINOUS CRIME, A SHOW OF FORCE,  
(A MURDER WOULD BE NICE OF COURSE)  
BAD HORSE  
BAD HORSE  
BAD HORSE  
SHE’S BAD  
THE EVIL LEAGUE OF EVIL  
IS WATCHING SO BEWARE  
THE GRADE THAT YOU RECEIVE WILL BE YOUR LAST  
WE SWEAR  
SO MAKE THE BAD HORSE GLEEFUL  
OR SHE’LL GET YOU MON FRERE  
YOU’RE SADDLED UP  
THERE’S NO RECOURSE  
IT’S ‘HIGH-HO SILVER’  
SIGNED: BAD HORSE

DR. HORRIBLE  
This is great! I’m about to pull a major heist. You know the Wonderflonium that I need for the Freeze-Ray? It’s being transported tomorrow.

MOIST  
Armored car?

DR. HORRIBLE  
Courier van. Candy from a baby but... the League is watching. I gotta do this alone. Thanks for the letter, Moist. I'll get on this.

 _Scene Two_

DR. HORRIBLE  
All right, we're on Bank Street. The van should be here any minute now. Oh...come on! Penny's here. I got to hide. 

"Caring Hands"

PENNY  
WILL YOU LEND A CARING HAND  
TO SHELTER THOSE WHO NEED IT?  
ONLY HAVE TO SIGN YOUR NAME  
DON’T EVEN HAVE TO READ IT  
WOULD YOU HELP?  
NO? HOW BOUT YOU?  
WILL YOU LEND A CARING HAND?

PENNY  
I was wondering if I could just... Hey, I know you!

DR. HORRIBLE  
Hello. You know me? Cool. I mean. Yeah, you do. Do you?

PENNY  
From the laundry mat.

DR. HORRIBLE  
Wednesdays and Saturdays except twice last month, you  
skipped the weekend. Or, if that was you. It coulda  
been someone else, I mean, I’ve SEEN you. Billie is my  
name.

PENNY  
I’m Penny. What are you doing?

DR. HORRIBLE  
I’m texting. It’s very important or I would stop. What  
are you doing?

PENNY  
Actually I’m out here volunteering for the Caring Hands  
Homeless Shelter. Can you spare a minute?

DR. HORRIBLE  
Umm... Ok, go.

PENNY  
Ok, we’re hoping to open up a new location soon, expand  
our efforts. There’s this great building nearby that  
the city is just going to demolish and turn into a  
parking lot, but if we get enough signatures...

DR. HORRIBLE  
Signatures?

PENNY  
Yeah.

DR. HORRIBLE  
I’m sorry, go on.

PENNY  
I was saying, maybe we could get the city to donate  
the building to our cause. We would be able to provide  
250 new beds, get people off the streets and into job  
training so they could... buy rocket packs and go to  
the moon and become... florists... You’re not really  
interested in the homeless are you?

DR. HORRIBLE  
No, I am. But they’re a symptom. You’re treating a  
symptom and the disease rages on, consumes the human  
race. The fish rots from the head as they say. So my  
thinking is why not cut off the head?

PENNY  
Of the human race?

DR. HORRIBLE  
It’s not a perfect metaphor... but I’m talking about an  
overhaul of the system. Putting the power in...  
DIFFERENT... hands.

PENNY  
I’m all for that... This petition is about the  
building...

DR. HORRIBLE  
I’d love to sign it.

PENNY  
Thank you.

DR. HORRIBLE  
Sorry I... I come on strong.

PENNY  
But you signed and didn't yell at me. Quite frankly, that's progress after the day I've been having. 

DR. HORRIBLE  
Wouldn’t want to turn my back on a fellow laundry  
person.

PENNY  
Well if WE can’t stick together I don’t know. I’ll  
probably see you there.

DR. HORRIBLE  
No, I will. I’ll...  
She talked to me. Why did she talk to me NOW? Maybe I  
should have asked her for coffee, I could have said, "Well I could make your day better" UGH. It's fine. The Transmitter is working. The van should come straight towards me, nice and easy...it's time to get into my disguise. 

"A Girl's Gotta Do What a Girl's Gotta Do" 

DR. HORRIBLE  
A GIRL’S GOTTA DO WHAT A GIRL’S GOTTA DO  
DON’T PLAN THE PLAN IF YOU CAN’T FOLLOW THROUGH  
ALL THAT MATTERS IS TAKING MATTERS INTO YOUR OWN HANDS  
SOON I’LL CONTROL EVERYTHING  
MY WISH IS YOUR COMMAND

Wait...no. That's not Captain Hammer is it...

CAPTAIN HAMMER  
STAND BACK EVERYONE  
NOTHIN’ HERE TO SEE  
JUST IMMINENT DANGER  
AND IN THE MIDDLE OF IT ME  
YES CAPTAIN HAMMER’S HERE  
HAIR BLOWING IN THE BREEZE  
THE DAY NEEDS MY SAVING EXPERTISE

DR. HORRIBLE  
Shit! The van's going straight for Penny now! I've got to do something, quick, quick...the failsafe app should work right about...

CAPTAIN HAMMER  
A MAN’S GOTTA DO WHAT A MAN’S GOTTA DO  
SEEMS DESTINY ENDS WITH ME SAVING YOU  
THE ONLY DOOM THAT’S LOOMING IS YOU LOVING ME TO DEATH  
SO I’LL GIVE YOU A SECOND TO CATCH YOUR BREATH

DR. HORRIBLE  
And of course, now she thinks she's stopped it. And now Penny is swept up in her arms. This day is getting better and better...

CAPTAIN HAMMER  
Dr. Horrible. I should have known you were behind this.

DR. HORRIBLE  
You Idiot! You almost killed her

CAPTAIN HAMMER  
I remember it differently. Its curtains for you Dr. Horrible.  
Lacy, gently wafting curtains.

PENNY  
THANK YOU MY CAPTAIN, I DON’T THINK I CAN  
EXPLAIN HOW IMPORTANT IT WAS THAT YOU STOP THE VAN  
I WOULD BE SPLATTERED; I’D BE CRUSHED UNDER DEBRIS  
THANK YOU MAAM FOR SAVING ME

CAPTAIN HAMMER  
Don’t worry about it.  
A GIRL’S GOTTA DO WHAT A GIRL’S GOTTA DO.

PENNY  
(YOU CAME FROM ABOVE.)

DR. HORRIBLE  
(ARE YOU KIDDING?)

CAPTAIN HAMMER  
SEEMS DESTINY ENDS WITH ME SAVING YOU

DR. HORRIBLE  
(WHAT HEIST WERE YOU WATCHING?)

PENNY  
(I WONDER WHAT YOU’RE CAPTAIN OF)

DR. HORRIBLE  
(STOP LOOKING AT HER LIKE THAT)

CAPTAIN HAMMER  
WHEN YOU’RE THE BEST YOU CAN’T REST, WHAT’S THE USE?

DR. HORRIBLE  
(DID YOU NOTICE THAT SHE THREW YOU IN THE GARBAGE?)

PENNY  
(MY HEART IS BEATING LIKE A DRUM)

CAPTAIN HAMMER  
THERE’S ASS NEEDS KICKING. SOME TICKING BOMB TO  
DIFFUSE.

PENNY  
(MUST... MUST BE IN SHOCK)

DR. HORRIBLE  
(I STOPPED THE VAN. THE REMOTE CONTROL WAS IN MY HAND)

CAPTAIN HAMMER  
THE ONLY DOOM THAT’S LOOMING IS YOU LOVING ME TO DEATH

PENNY  
(ASSUMING I’M NOT LOVING YOU TO DEATH)

DR. HORRIBLE

(WHATEVER)

CAPTAIN HAMMER & PENNY  
SO PLEASE GIVE ME A SEC TO CATCH MY BREATH

DR. HORRIBLE  
Balls. 

**ACT TWO**

_Scene One_

DR. HORRIBLE  
I may or may not now be at that homeless shelter she talked about. She's visiting with that tool, Captain Hammer. I hate that woman. So much. Look at her. Flexing muscles and signing autographs. She thinks that just showing up here fixes everything wrong with the world!

"On the Rise"  
DR. HORRIBLE  
ANY DOLT WITH HALF A BRAIN  
CAN SEE THAT HUMAN KIND HAS GONE INSANE  
TO THE POINT WHERE I DON’T KNOW  
IF I’LL UPSET THE STATUS QUO  
IF I THROW POISON IN THE WATER MAIN  
LISTEN CLOSE TO EVERYBODY’S HEART  
AND HEAR THAT BREAKING SOUND  
HOPES AND DREAMS ARE SHATTERING APART  
AND CRASHING TO THE GROUND  
I CAN NOT BELIEVE MY EYES  
HOW THE WORLD’S FILLED WITH FILTH AND LIES  
BUT IT’S PLAIN TO SEE  
EVIL INSIDE OF ME  
IS ON THE RISE

PENNY  
LOOK AROUND. WE’RE LIVING WITH THE LOST AND FOUND  
JUST WHEN YOU FEEL YOU’VE ALMOST DROWNED  
YOU FIND YOURSELF ON SOLID GROUND  
AND YOU BELIEVE THERE’S GOOD IN EVERYBODY’S HEART  
KEEP IT SAFE AND SOUND  
WITH HOPE, YOU CAN DO YOUR PART  
TO TURN A LIFE AROUND  
I CAN NOT BELIEVE MY EYES  
IS THE WORLD FINALLY GROWING WISE  
CAUSE IT SEEMS TO ME  
SOME KIND OF HARMONY  
IS ON THE RISE

DR. HORRIBLE  
ANY ONE WITH HALF A BRAIN  
COULD SPEND THEIR WHOLE LIFE HOWLING IN PAIN

PENNY  
(TAKE IT SLOW SHE LOOKS AT ME AND SEEMS TO KNOW)  
THE THINGS THAT I’M AFRAID TO SHOW  
AND SUDDENLY I FEEL HER GLOW

DR. HORRIBLE  
(CAUSE THE DARK IS EVERYWHERE  
AND PENNY DOESN’T SEEM TO CARE  
THAT SOON THE DARK IN ME IS ALL THAT WILL REMAIN)

PENNY  
AND I BELIEVE THERE’S GOOD IN EVERYBODY’S HEART  
KEEP IT SAFE AND SOUND

DR. HORRIBLE  
(LISTEN CLOSE TO EVERYBODY’S HEART  
AND HEAR THAT BREAKING SOUND)  
HOPES AND DREAMS ARE SHATTERING APART

PENNY  
(WITH HOPE YOU CAN DO YOUR PART)

DR. HORRIBLE  
AND CRASHING TO THE GROUND

PENNY  
(TO TURN A LIFE AROUND)

DR. HORRIBLE & PENNY  
I CAN NOT BELIEVE MY EYES  
HOW THE WORLD’S -

DR. HORRIBLE  
FILLED WITH FILTH AND LIES

PENNY  
FINALLY GROWING WISE

DR. HORRIBLE  
BUT IT’S PLAIN TO SEE

PENNY  
(AND IT’S PLAIN TO SEE)

DR. HORRIBLE  
EVIL INSIDE OF ME

PENNY  
(RAPTURE INSIDE OF ME)

DR. HORRIBLE & PENNY  
IS ON THE RISE

DR. HORRIBLE  
Shit, I think she saw me. I got to get out of here.

_Scene Two_

DR. HORRIBLE  
Well, listeners. It's Saturday, which means, more laundry. There's Penny. Let's see how her date with the Tool went.

PENNY  
Hi Billie! Come on over and sit with me. It is so dumb that we’ve been coming here so long and never spoke. It's so nice to have some company. 

DR. HORRIBLE  
I know. All those months doing a stunningly boring chore.

PENNY  
I’m a fan of laundry.

DR. HORRIBLE  
Psych! I love it.

PENNY  
The smell of fabric softener.

DR. HORRIBLE  
MMmm.

PENNY  
The feel of warm clothes in your hands.

DR. HORRIBLE  
So good.  
Hey, this is weird. I ordered one frozen yogurt and  
they gave me two. You don’t happen to like frozen  
yogurt do you?

PENNY  
I love it.

DR. HORRIBLE  
Yore kidding! what a crazy, random happen-stance. Here.

PENNY  
Thank you.

DR. HORRIBLE  
So how was your weekend? Did you spend the whole time  
hunting wild signatures?

PENNY  
Um, actually, I went on a date...

DR. HORRIBLE  
Get right outta town. How was that?

PENNY  
Unexpected. She’s a really good looking woman, and I  
thought she was kinda cheesy at first...

DR. HORRIBLE  
Trust your instincts -

PENNY  
But, she turned out to be totally sweet. Sometimes  
people are layered like that. There’s something totally  
different underneath than what’s on the surface.

DR. HORRIBLE  
And sometimes there’s a third, even deeper level and  
that one is the same as the top surface one.

PENNY  
Huh?

DR. HORRIBLE  
Like with pie...  
So, you gonna see her again?

PENNY  
I think I will...

DR. HORRIBLE  
Huh.

PENNY  
Billie?

DR. HORRIBLE  
Yeah?

PENNY  
You’re driving a spork into your leg.

DR. HORRIBLE  
So I am. Hilarious.

But It was less hilarious when I explaining to the ER nurse at Mount Sinai why I was bleeding and required several stitches. Thanks Nurse Nick! Even the best super villains can happily enjoy socialized medicine!

_Scene Three_

DR. HORRIBLE  
All right. The wait is over. This my friends, is my  
Freeze-Ray which, with the addition of the  
Wonderflonium I obtained at my famously successful  
heist last week.  
I say successful in that I achieved my objective. It  
was less successful in that I inadvertently introduced  
my arch-nemesis to the girl of my dreams, and now she’s  
taking her out on dates, and they’re probably going to  
french kiss or something.  
She called her sweet. How is she sweet?  
RIGHT. Freeze-Ray. SO as of tonight I am in the Evil  
League of Evil if all goes according to plan; which it  
WILL because I hold a P.H.D in Horribleness. See you at  
the aftermath. PEACE!  
But not literally...

DR. HORRIBLE  
*  
cough  
*  
Ahem. The Freeze-Ray needs work. I also need to  
be a LITTLE bit more careful about what I say on this  
podcast. Apparently the L.A.P.D and Captain Hammer are  
among our listeners. Who knew I was so popular on iTunes?  
They were waiting for me at Mayor Ford's dedication of  
the Superhero Memorial Bridge. The Freeze-Ray takes a  
few seconds to warm up and I wasn’t fast enough. Captain Hammer threw a car at my head. Not to worry though, because I’m....Moist. You're always interrupting. What is it now?  
Oh, one second. I seem to have a phone call coming in. 

"Bad  
Horse  
Phone  
Call"  
BAD HORSE CHORUS  
SHE SAW THE OPERATION  
YOU TRIED TO PULL TODAY  
BUT YOUR HUMILIATION MEANS SHE STILL VOTES NAY  
AND NOW ASSASSINATION IS JUST THE ONLY WAY  
THERE WILL BE BLOOD  
IT MIGHT BE YOURS  
SO GO KILL SOMEONE  
SIGNED: BAD HORSE

 

MOIST  
Kill someone?

DR. HORRIBLE  
Must you always listen in to my conversations? [beat] Would you do it? To get into the Evil League of Evil? Killing’s not elegant or creative. It’s not my style.

MOIST  
You’ve got more than enough evil hours to get into the  
Henchman’s Union.

DR. HORRIBLE  
*  
Pfft  
*  
I’m not a henchman. I’m Dr. Horrible. I have a  
P.H.D. in horribleness.

MOIST  
Is that the new catch phrase?

DR. HORRIBLE  
I was recently in the hospital. I was reminded how I certainly do not have a medical degree in horribleness. I deserve to get in. You know I do. But killing? Really?

MOIST  
Hourglass says she knows a kid in Iowa that grows up to  
become president. That’d be big.

DR. HORRIBLE  
I’m not gonna kill a little kid.

MOIST  
Smother an old lady.

DR. HORRIBLE:  
You really are a horrible assistant. 

MOIST  
I try.

DR. HORRIBLE  
I'm going to the laundromat. Maybe Penny can help me.

_Scene Four ___

DR. HORRIBLE  
I just, you know, REALLY think I’m qualified for this,  
this job and I just can’t get my foot in the door.

PENNY  
I’m sure you will.

DR. HORRIBLE  
I wanna do great things, you know? I wanna be an  
achiever. Like Bad Horse...

PENNY  
The thoroughbred of sin?

DR. HORRIBLE  
I meant Gandhi.

PENNY  
Well, I’ve gotten turned down from plenty of jobs. Even  
fired a few times.

DR. HORRIBLE  
I can’t imagine anyone firing you.

PENNY  
Neither could I. Now I can visualize it really well.  
But, you know... everything happens.

DR. HORRIBLE  
Don’t say "for a reason".

PENNY  
No, I’m just saying that everything happens.

DR. HORRIBLE  
Not to me.

"Here’s a Story"

PENNY  
HERE’S A STORY  
OF A GIRL  
WHO GREW UP LOST AND LONELY  
THINKING LOVE WAS FAIRY TALE  
AND TROUBLE WAS MADE ONLY FOR ME  
EVEN IN THE DARKENSS EVERY COLOR CAN BE FOUND  
AND EVERY DAY OF RAIN BRINGS WATER FLOWING TO  
THINGS GROWING IN THE GROUND  
GRIEF REPLACED WITH PITTY  
FOR A CITY BARELY COPING  
DREAMS ARE EASY TO ACHIEVE  
IF HOPE IS ALL I’M HOPING TO BE  
ANY TIME YOU’RE HURT  
THERE’S ONE WHO HAS IT WORSE AROUND  
AND EVERY DROP OF RAIN WILL KEEP YOU GROWING  
SEEDS YOU’RE SOWING IN THE GROUND  
SO KEEP YOUR HEAD UP  
BILLIE BUDDY  
It’s like Captain Hammer’s always saying...

DR. HORRIBLE  
Right. Her. How are things with "cheesy on the  
outside"?

PENNY  
Good. They’re good. She’s nice.  
I’ll be interested to know what you think of her. She  
said she might stop by.

DR. HORRIBLE  
Stop by here?!

PENNY  
Yeah.

DR. HORRIBLE  
OH! Goodness. Look at my wrist. I gotta go

PENNY  
But what about your clothes?

DR. HORRIBLE  
I don’t love these. See ya.

CAPTAIN HAMMER  
Oh, Pardon.

DR. HORRIBLE  
Pardon.

PENNY  
Billie, this is Captain Hammer.

CAPTAIN HAMMER  
OH! Billy, the laundry buddy. well it is very nice to  
meet you.

DR. HORRIBLE  
We’re meeting now for the first time.

CAPTAIN HAMMER  
You look horribly familiar.

DR. HORRIBLE  
One of those faces I guess.

CAPTAIN HAMMER  
Have I seen you at the gym?

DR. HORRIBLE  
At the gym...

CAPTAIN HAMMER  
I don’t go to the gym, I’m just naturally like this.  
Oh well.  
Who wants to know what the Mayor is doing behind closed  
doors? He is signing over a certain building to a  
Caring Hands Group as a new homeless shelter.

PENNY  
Oh my God!

CAPTAIN HAMMER  
Yep. Apparently the only signature he needed was my  
fist. But, with a pen in it. That I was signing with. Though I think the fist helped. 

PENNY  
I, I can’t believe it!

DR. HORRIBLE  
Congratulations

PENNY  
Thank you, THANK YOU! I need to make a few calls. I'll be right back.

DR. HORRIBLE  
Well, this is great. I wish I could stay and chit-chat. I'll see you later. Good to meet you, Captain.

CAPTAIN HAMMER  
Well it sure was nice to meet you... Doctor...  
You got a little crush, don’t you Doc? Well that’s  
gonna make this hard to hear. See, later I’m gonna take  
little Penny back to my place, show her the Command  
Center, Hammer Cycle, maybe even the Ham-Jet. You think  
she likes me now? I’m gonna give Penny the night of her  
life. Just because you want her, and I get what you  
want. See, Penny’s giving it up. She’s givin it up  
hard, cause she’s with Captain Hammer.  
And THESE hands of mine are not the hammer.

Well, they are. But in a tender, more loving context. Toodles. 

DR. HORRIBLE  
Toodles? TOODLES? I think Penny, you have given me my answer...

"Brand New Day"

THIS APPEARED AS A MORAL DILEMMA  
CAUSE AT FIRST IT WAS WEIRD THOUGH I SWORE TO ELIMINATE  
THE WORST OF THE PLAGUE THAT DEVOURED HUMANITY  
ITS TRUE I WAS VAGUE ON THE HOW SO HOW CAN IT BE THAT  
YOU  
HAVE SHOWN ME THE LIGHT  
IT’S A BRAND NEW DAY  
AND THE SUN IS HIGH  
ALL THE BIRDS ARE SINGING  
THAT YOU’RE GONNA DIE  
HOW I HESITATED  
NOW I WONDER WHY  
IT’S A BRAND NEW DAY  
ALL THE TIMES THAT YOU BEAT ME UNCONSCIOUS  
I’LL FORGIVE  
ALL THE CRIMES INCOMPLETE, LISTEN, HONESTLY  
I’LL LIVE  
MS. COOL, MS. RIGHT, MS. KNOW-IT-ALL IS THROUGH  
AND THE FUTURE’S SO BRIGHT  
AND I OWE IT ALL TO YOU  
YOU SHOWED ME THE LIGHT  
IT’S A BRAND NEW ME  
I’VE GOT NO REMORSE  
NOW THE WATER’S RISIN’  
BUT I KNOW THE COURSE  
I’M GONNA SHOCK THE WORLD  
GONNA SHOW BAD HORSE  
IT’S A BRAND NEW DAY  
AND PENNY WILL SEE  
THE EVIL ME  
NOT A JOKE  
NOT A DORK  
NOT A FAILURE  
AND SHE MAY CRY  
BUT HER TEARS WILL DRY  
WHEN I HAND HER THE KEYS  
TO A SHINY NEW AUSTRALIA  
IT’S A BRAND NEW DAY  
AND THE SUN IS HIGH  
ALL THE ANGELS SING  
BECAUSE YOU’RE GONNA DIE  
GO AHEAD AND LAUGH  
YEAH I’M A FUNNY GUY  
TELL EVERYONE GOOD-BYE  
IT’S A BRAND NEW DAY

[ding of laundry machine]

**Act Three **  
_Scene One_ DR. HORRIBLE  
I can't do this...can I, listeners? I'm just going to sit at home today and watch some TV, get some perspective on things...****

REPORTER #1  
Looks like we’re finding out what a true hero is

REPORTER #2  
The mayor himself will be on hand to dedicate the new  
homeless shelter and unveil the statue of Captain  
Hammer.

REPORTER #1  
It’s a good day to be homeless.

REPORTER #2  
Ahaha, it certainly is. Now let's hear what the people on the streets think of our Captain.

DR. HORRIBLE  
Oh, come on. Moist! Where's the remote?

"Perfect Story"

MOVER #1  
SO THEY SAY CAPTAIN HAMMER’S BECOME A CRUSADER,  
POLITICAL, SHE’S CLEANIN’ UP THE STREETS.

MOVER #2  
About time.

GROUPIE #1  
SO THEY SAY IT’S REAL LOVE

GROUPIES  
SO ROMANTIC

GROUPIE #3  
SHE SIGNED THIS.

PENNY  
SO THEY SAY WE’LL HAVE BLANKETS AND BEDS. WE CAN OPEN  
BY MONDAY THANKS TO YOU.

CAPTAIN HAMMER  
Thanks to ME.

REPORTERS  
IT’S THE PERFECT STORY

REPORTER #2  
SO THEY SAY

REPORTER #1  
A HERO SAVING THE DAY

REPORTERS  
HAMMER’S CALL TO GLORY

REPORTER #1  
LETS ALL BE OUR BEST

REPORTER #2  
Wait, she's gay? 

GROUPIE #2  
SO THEY SAY SHE SAVED HER LIFE.

GROUPIE #1  
THEY SAY PENNY WORKS WITH THE HOMELESS, AND DOESN’T EAT  
MEAT.

GROUPIES  
WE HAVE A PROBLEM WITH HER.

GROUPIE #3  
THIS IS HER HAIR.

CAPTAIN HAMMER  
THIS IS SO NICE  
I JUST MIGHT SLEEP WITH THE SAME GIRL TWICE  
THEY SAY IT’S BETTER THE SECOND TIME  
THEY SAY YOU GET TO DO THE WEIRD STUFF

GROUPIES  
WE DO THE WEIRD STUFF

PENNY  
THIS IS PERFECT FOR ME  
SO THEY SAY  
I GUESS SHE’S PRETTY OK  
AFTER YEARS OF STORMY SAILING  
HAVE I FINALLY FOUND THE BAY?

DR. HORRIBLE & PENNY  
THERE’S NO HAPPY ENDING  
SO THEY SAY

DR. HORRIBLE  
Not for me anyway.

PENNY  
SHOULD I STOP PRETENDING

DR. HORRIBLE  
(STOP PRETENDING)  
TAKE THE CHANCE TO BUILD A BRAND NEW DAY?

PENNY  
(OR IS THIS A BRAND NEW DAY?)

GROUPIE #3  
THIS IS HER DRY-CLEANING BILL

GROUPIES  
FOUR SWEATER-VESTS.

DR. HORRIBLE  
Oh, come on. 

[click of the TV turning off]

_Scene Two_

DR. HORRIBLE  
I'm waiting at Town Hall. I've only got a few more minutes until I finally rid this world of that Tool. 

MAYOR'S ASSISTANT  
I'm sorry, ladies and gentlemen that Mr. Ford could not be here today. He's taking this time with at his family cottage up North. So today, I have the honour of introducing Captain Hammer. In a few minutes we’ll unveil the statue of the woman herself. Thank you. Thank you.  
Justice has a name, and the name it has (besides justice) is Captain Hammer. Ladies and Gentlemen; your  
hero.

CAPTAIN HAMMER  
Thank you. Thank you...assistant for those kind words.  
"I hate the homeless...  
"-ness problem that plagues our city. Everyone should  
have the basic... "  
You know what? I don’t need tiny cue cards. When I fell  
DEEPLY in love with my serious, long term girlfriend  
Penny (wave your hand Penny) There she is. Cute huh?  
Sort of a quiet, nerdy thing. Not my usual, but nice.  
Anyway, she turned me on to this whole homeless...  
thing... which is terrible, and I realized, I’m not the  
only hero in the room tonight. I’m not the only one  
who’s fighting.

"Everyone’s a Hero"  
IT MAY NOT FEEL TOO CLASSY  
BEGGING JUST TO EAT  
BUT YOU KNOW WHO DOES THAT?  
LASSIE. AND SHE ALWAYS GETS A TREAT  
SO YOU WONDER WHAT YOUR PART IS  
CAUSE YOU’RE HOMELESS AND DEPRESSED  
BUT HOME IS WHERE THE HEART IS  
SO YOUR REAL HOME’S IN YOUR CHEST  
EVERYONE’S A HERO IN THEIR OWN WAY  
EVERYONE’S GOT VILLAINS THEY MUST FACE  
THEY’RE NOT AS COOL AS MINE  
BUT FOLKS YOU KNOW IT’S FINE  
TO KNOW YOUR PLACE  
EVERYONE’S A HERO IN THEIR OWN WAY  
IN THEIR OWN, NOT THAT HEROIC WAY  
SO I THANK MY GIRLFRIEND PENNY  
YEAH, WE TOTALLY HAD SEX  
SHE SHOWED ME THERE’S SO MANY  
DIFFERENT MUSCLES I CAN FLEX  
THERE’S THE DELTOIDS OF COMPASSION  
THERE’S THE ABS OF BEING KIND  
IT’S NOT ENOUGH TO BASH IN HEADS  
YOU’VE GOT TO BASH IN MINDS  
EVERYONE’S A HERO IN THEIR OWN WAY  
EVERYONE’S GOT SOMETHIN’ THEY CAN DO  
GET UP, GO OUT AND FLY  
ESPECIALLY THAT GUY  
HE SEEMS TO NEED THE LOO  
EVERYONE’S A HERO IN THEIR OWN WAY  
YOU AND YOU AND MOSTLY ME AND YOU  
I’M POVERTY’S NEW SHERIFF  
AND I’M BASHING IN THE SLUMS  
A HERO DOESN’T CARE IF YOU’RE A  
BUNCH OF TIRED, ALCOHOLIC BUMS  
EVERYBODY!  
EVERYONE’S A HERO IN THEIR OWN WAY

CHORUS  
(WE’RE HEROES TOO)

CAPTAIN HAMMER  
EVERYONE CAN BLAZE A HERO’S TRAIL

CHORUS  
(WE’RE JUST LIKE YOU)

CAPTAIN HAMMER  
DON’T WORRY IF IT’S HARD  
IF YOU’RE NOT LUCIEN BOUCHARD,  
YOU WILL PREVAIL

CHORUS  
(AHHH AHH AHH OOOOOO)

CAPTAIN HAMMER  
EVERYONE’S A HERO IN THEIR OWN WAY

CHORUS  
(WE’RE HEROES TOO)

CAPTAIN HAMMER  
EVERYONE’S A HERO IN THEI...

[loud blast]

DR. HORRIBLE  
And now, it's my turn

"Slipping"

DR. HORRIBLE  
LOOK AT THESE PEOPLE  
AMAZING HOW SHEEP’LL  
SHOW UP FOR THE SLAUGHTER  
NO ONE CONDEMNING  
YOU LINED UP LIKE LEMMINGS  
YOU LED TO THE WATER  
WHY CAN’T THEY SEE  
WHAT I SEE  
WHY CAN’T THEY HEAR THE LIES?  
MAYBE THE FEE’S TOO PRICEY  
FOR THEM TO REALIZE  
YOUR DISGUISE IS SLIPPING  
I THINK YOU’RE SLIPPING  
NOW THAT YOUR SAVIOR’S  
AS STILL AS THE GRAVE  
YOU’RE BEGINNING TO FEAR ME  
LIKE CAVEMEN FEAR THUNDER  
I STILL HAVE TO WONDER  
CAN YOU REALLY HEAR ME?  
I BRING YOU PAIN  
THE KIND YOU CAN’T SUFFER QUIETLY  
FIRE UP YOUR BRAIN  
REMIND YOU INSIDE YOU’RE RIOTING  
SOCIETY IS SLIPPING  
EVERYTHING’S SLIPPING AWAY  
SOO  
GO AHEAD  
RUN AWAY  
SAY IT WAS HORRIBLE  
SPREAD THE WORD  
TELL A FRIEND  
TELL THEM THE TALE  
GET A PIC  
DO A BLOG  
HERO’S ARE OVER WITH  
LOOK AT HER  
NOT A WORD  
HAMMER MEET NAIL  
THEN I WIN  
THEN I GET  
EVERYTHING I EVER  
ALL THE CASH  
ALL THE FAME  
AND SOCIAL CHANGE  
ANARCHY  
THAT I RUN  
IT’S DR. HORRIBLE’S TURN  
YOU PEOPLE ALL HAVE TO LEARN  
THIS WORLD IS GOING TO BURN  
BURN  
Yeah, it’s two "R’s"  
H-O-R-R. Right.  
BURN  
NO SIGN OF PENNY  
GOOD  
I WOULD GIVE ANYTHING  
NOT TO HAVE HER SEE  
IT’S GONNA BE BLOODY  
HEAD UP BILLIE BUDDY  
THERE’S NO TIME FOR MERCY  
HERE GOES NO MERCY

That’s not a good sound...

CAPTAIN HAMMER  
WAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYY!  
A Death-Ray? Looks like Dr. Horrible’s moving up. Let’s  
see if this one works any better than your others.

DR. HORRIBLE  
Don’t...

CAPTAIN HAMMER  
I don’t have time for your warnings. You give my  
regards to Saint Peter... or whoever has his job, but  
in Hell.

[loud blast]

Awww ahhhhh I’m in pain. I think this is what pain  
feels like. Oh mommy! Someone maternal!

DR. HORRIBLE  
Penny! Penny? oh

PENNY  
Billie? Is that you?

DR. HORRIBLE  
Penny, hold on. Oh no no no no no.

PENNY  
Are you all right?

DR. HORRIBLE  
Hold on, we’ll...

PENNY  
It’s ok. It’s ok. Captain Hammer will save us...

DR. HORRIBLE  
Penny?!? [quieter] Dear God, what have I done? 

"Everything You Ever (Finale)"  
PRESS  
Dr. Horrible, why’d you kill her?  
Dr. Horrible, was this all part of your plan?  
Dr. Horrible, over here. Why’d you do it Dr. Horrible?

DR. HORRIBLE

HERE LIES EVERYTHING  
THE WORLD I WANTED AT MY FEET  
MY VICTORY’S COMPLETE  
SO HAIL TO THE KING

CHORUS  
(EVERYTHING YOU EVER...)

DR. HORRIBLE  
ARISE AND SING  
SO YOUR WORLD’S BENIGN  
SO YOU THINK JUSTICE HAS A VOICE  
AND WE ALL HAVE A CHOICE  
WELL NOW YOUR WORLD IS MINE

CHORUS  
(EVERYTHING YOU EVER...)

DR. HORRIBLE  
AND I AM FINE

CAPTAIN HAMMER  
Right here, In my heart and it hurts inside...You madwoman! I'll get you for this!

DR. HORRIBLE  
NOW THE NIGHTMARE’S REAL  
NOW DR. HORRIBLE IS HERE  
TO MAKE YOU QUAKE WITH FEAR  
TO MAKE THE WHOLE WORLD KNEEL

CHORUS  
EVERYTHING YOU EVER...

DR. HORRIBLE  
AND I WON’T FEEL  
A thing.


End file.
